Session 8: Assertiveness
Overview
I. Review of Homework – Changing Pain Behaviors
II. Importance of Communication to Pain
III. Differences Between Aggressive, Passive, and Assertive Behaviors
IV. Practice Being Assertive Rather Than Aggressive or Passive
V. Tips for Being More Assertive
VI. Homework – How Can I Be More Assertive?
VII. Relaxation Technique – Progressive Muscle Relaxation
II. Importance of Communication to Pain
III. Differences Between Aggressive, Passive, and Assertive Behaviors
IV. Practice Being Assertive Rather Than Aggressive or Passive
V. Tips for Being More Assertive
VI. Homework – How Can I Be More Assertive?
VII. Relaxation Technique – Progressive Muscle Relaxation
Session 8: Assertiveness
I. Review of Homework – Changing Pain Behaviors
II. Importance of Communication to Pain
II. Importance of Communication to Pain
A. Pain can inhibit good communication.
1. Increase in irritability
2. Withdrawal
2. Withdrawal
B. Sometimes people can use pain to communicate something they want or need.
1. But pain behaviors are ambiguous
C. Good communication = better relationships
1. Less stress
2. More able to cope
2. More able to cope
III. Differences Between Aggressive, Passive, and Assertive Behaviors:
A. Definitions
Aggressive – An aggressive person is a person who communicates what they feel, think, and want without respecting the rights of others. For example, they exhibit behaviors such as fighting, accusing, threatening, and generally stepping on others without regard for their feelings.
Passive – A passive person is one who does not communicate what he or she really feels, thinks, or wants. Therefore, they do not stand up for what they want. For example, they do what they are told regardless of how they feel about it and they let others make all the decisions.
Assertive – An assertive person is a person who respects the rights of others while communicating what they feel, think, and want in a positive manner. For example, they act in their own interest without feeling guilty about it.
B. Examples of Aggressive, Passive, and Assertive Behaviors
Imagine, You are in a lot of pain and you are trying to rest in your bedroom. Your children are watching T.V. and making noise in the living area. You go to talk to them and you say:
Aggressive Behavior – You guys are always making so much noise. You have no respect for other people’s needs.
Aggressive behavior contains the word “you” and the tone is loud. There is also often a lot of name-calling.
Passive Behavior – Would you guys please play quietly?
Passive behavior is most often questions and the tone is quiet and apologetic.
Assertive Behavior – I am in a lot of pain right now and I would like you guys to play quietly.
Assertive behavior contains the word “I” and the tone should be firm.
C. What Aggressive, Passive, and Assertive Behaviors Look Like
Aggressive Behaviors – Approach
Passive Behaviors – Withdrawal
Assertive Behaviors – Stand firm
D. Consequences of Using Aggressive, Passive, and Assertive Behaviors:
Aggressive Behaviors – Anger, needs not meet in the long run.
Passive Behaviors – Disrespect, needs not meet.
Assertive Behaviors – Respect, needs most likely meet
Aggressive – An aggressive person is a person who communicates what they feel, think, and want without respecting the rights of others. For example, they exhibit behaviors such as fighting, accusing, threatening, and generally stepping on others without regard for their feelings.
Passive – A passive person is one who does not communicate what he or she really feels, thinks, or wants. Therefore, they do not stand up for what they want. For example, they do what they are told regardless of how they feel about it and they let others make all the decisions.
Assertive – An assertive person is a person who respects the rights of others while communicating what they feel, think, and want in a positive manner. For example, they act in their own interest without feeling guilty about it.
B. Examples of Aggressive, Passive, and Assertive Behaviors
Imagine, You are in a lot of pain and you are trying to rest in your bedroom. Your children are watching T.V. and making noise in the living area. You go to talk to them and you say:
Aggressive Behavior – You guys are always making so much noise. You have no respect for other people’s needs.
Aggressive behavior contains the word “you” and the tone is loud. There is also often a lot of name-calling.
Passive Behavior – Would you guys please play quietly?
Passive behavior is most often questions and the tone is quiet and apologetic.
Assertive Behavior – I am in a lot of pain right now and I would like you guys to play quietly.
Assertive behavior contains the word “I” and the tone should be firm.
C. What Aggressive, Passive, and Assertive Behaviors Look Like
Aggressive Behaviors – Approach
Passive Behaviors – Withdrawal
Assertive Behaviors – Stand firm
D. Consequences of Using Aggressive, Passive, and Assertive Behaviors:
Aggressive Behaviors – Anger, needs not meet in the long run.
Passive Behaviors – Disrespect, needs not meet.
Assertive Behaviors – Respect, needs most likely meet
IV. Practice Being Assertive Rather Than Aggressive or Passive
V. Tips for Being More Assertive
V. Tips for Being More Assertive
1. Be Aware of Your Rights and Needs. You know better than anyone else how pain interferes with your daily activities.
2. Use Assertive Body Language. Maintain direct eye contact and erect body posture. Speak clearly, audibly, and firmly. Don’t whine or use an apologetic tone of voice. Make use of gestures and facial expressions for emphasis.
3. Define the Problem. In your own mind, define the problem and identify the factors associated with that problem. Be specific.
4. Decide on the Best Time and Place to Discuss the Problem. Not all times are opportune for the discussion of an important topic.
5. Make Your Request. Be as objective and rational as you can. State the problem and what you think would be a good solution. Be clear about what you would like the other person to do.
6. Clarify Your Feelings. Use specific “I” statements rather than talking in generalities and blaming others. Make your feelings known in a clear manner without being overly emotional.
7. Listen. Listen assertively to the other person so you can accurately hear their opinions, feelings, and wishes. Communicate to the other person that you have heard his or her point of view,
8. Avoid Manipulation. Inevitably, you will run into people who seek to ignore your assertive request.
9. Follow up the Discussion. After a request has been made or an agreement has been reached, remind that person to be sure that your request has been heard or that changes are being made. Thank people who are helpful to you as a result of the discussion. Offer to return favors to express your appreciation.
2. Use Assertive Body Language. Maintain direct eye contact and erect body posture. Speak clearly, audibly, and firmly. Don’t whine or use an apologetic tone of voice. Make use of gestures and facial expressions for emphasis.
3. Define the Problem. In your own mind, define the problem and identify the factors associated with that problem. Be specific.
4. Decide on the Best Time and Place to Discuss the Problem. Not all times are opportune for the discussion of an important topic.
5. Make Your Request. Be as objective and rational as you can. State the problem and what you think would be a good solution. Be clear about what you would like the other person to do.
6. Clarify Your Feelings. Use specific “I” statements rather than talking in generalities and blaming others. Make your feelings known in a clear manner without being overly emotional.
7. Listen. Listen assertively to the other person so you can accurately hear their opinions, feelings, and wishes. Communicate to the other person that you have heard his or her point of view,
8. Avoid Manipulation. Inevitably, you will run into people who seek to ignore your assertive request.
9. Follow up the Discussion. After a request has been made or an agreement has been reached, remind that person to be sure that your request has been heard or that changes are being made. Thank people who are helpful to you as a result of the discussion. Offer to return favors to express your appreciation.
Davis, M., Robbins Eshelman, E., & McKay, M. (2000). The Relaxation and Stress Reduction Workbook 5th Edition. Oakland, CA: New Harbinger Publications, Inc.
Jamison, R. N. (1996). Learning to Master Your Chronic Pain. Sarasota, FL:
Professional Resource Press.
Jamison, R. N. (1996). Learning to Master Your Chronic Pain. Sarasota, FL:
Professional Resource Press.
VI. Homework – How Can I Be More Assertive?
VII. Relaxation Technique – Progressive Muscle Relaxation
VII. Relaxation Technique – Progressive Muscle Relaxation
Get into a comfortable position you can either lie down on the floor or sit up straight in a chair. Make sure not to cross your arms or legs. You may want to loosen your clothes and remove your shoes. Begin to relax as you take a few slow deep breaths. Pause. Now let the rest of your body relax.
Notice the tension in your fists and forearms. Clench your fists and bend them back at the wrist…tighter and tighter…feel the tension in your fist and forearms…NOW RELAX…Feel the looseness in your hands and forearms…Notice the contrast with the tension. Notice the tension in your elbows and biceps. Now bend your elbows and tense your biceps… Tense them as hard as you can and observe the feeling of tautness…Let your hands drop down and relax…Feel that difference…
Notice the tension in your head and face. Wrinkle your forehead as tight as you can…Feel the tension in your forehead and scalp…now relax and smooth it out. Imagine your entire forehead and scalp becoming smooth and at rest. Now frown and notice the strain spreading throughout your forehead…Pause…Let go. Allow your brow to become smooth again. Squeeze your eyes closed…tighter…Relax your eyes. Let them remain closed gently and comfortably. Now open your mouth wide and feel the tension in your jaw…Pause…Relax your jaw. Notice the contrast between tension and relaxation. Now press your tongue against the roof of your mouth. Experience the ache in the back of your mouth…Relax. Press your lips now, press then into an “O”…Pause…relax your lips. Feel the relaxation in your forehead, scalp, eyes, jaw, tongue, and lips.
Notice the tension in your neck. Roll your head slowly around on your neck, feeling the tension shifting as your head moves…and then slowly roll your head the other way. Relax, allowing your head to return to a comfortable position…Notice the tension in your shoulders. Now shrug your shoulders; bring your shoulders up towards your ears…hold it…Drop your shoulders back down and feel the relaxation spreading through your neck, throat, and shoulders…pure relaxation, deeper and deeper…
Notice the tension in your chest. Now breathe in and fill your lungs completely. Hold your breath. Experience the tension…Now exhale and let your chest become loose…Continue relaxing letting your breathe come freely and gently…Notice the tension draining out of your muscles with each exhalation…Next tighten your stomach and hold. Feel the tension …Relax…Now place your hand on your stomach. Breath deeply into your stomach, pushing your hand up. Hold…and relax. Feel the contrast of relaxation as the air rushes out… Notice the tension in your back. Now arch your back, without straining. Keep the rest of your body as relaxed as possible. Focus on the tension in your lower back…Now relax…Let the tension dissolve away.
Notice the tension in your buttocks and thighs. Tighten your buttocks and thighs…Pause…Relax and feel the difference…Notice the tension in your legs. Now straighten and tense your legs and curl your toes downward. Experience the tension…Relax…Straighten and tense your legs and bend your toes toward your face…Pause…Relax
Feel the comfortable warmth and heaviness of deep relaxation throughout your entire body as you continue to breathe slowly and deeply…You can relax even more as you move up through your body, letting go of the last little bit of tension in your body. Relax your feet…Pause…relax your ankles…Pause…relax your calves…Pause…relax your shins…Pause…relax your knees…Pause…relax your thighs…Pause…relax your buttocks…Let the relaxation spread to your stomach…Pause…to your lower back…to your chest…Let go more and more. Feel the relaxation deepening in your shoulders…Pause…in your arms…Pause…and in your hands…Deeper and deeper. Notice the feeling of looseness and relaxation in your neck…Pause…your jaw…Pause…your face…Pause…and your scalp…Continue to breathe slowly and deeply. Your body is comfortably loose and relaxed, calm and rested.
Davis, M., Robbins Eshelman, E., & McKay, M. (2000). The Relaxation and Stress Reduction Workbook 5th Edition. Oakland, CA: New Harbinger Publications, Inc.
Process Questions:
Notice the tension in your fists and forearms. Clench your fists and bend them back at the wrist…tighter and tighter…feel the tension in your fist and forearms…NOW RELAX…Feel the looseness in your hands and forearms…Notice the contrast with the tension. Notice the tension in your elbows and biceps. Now bend your elbows and tense your biceps… Tense them as hard as you can and observe the feeling of tautness…Let your hands drop down and relax…Feel that difference…
Notice the tension in your head and face. Wrinkle your forehead as tight as you can…Feel the tension in your forehead and scalp…now relax and smooth it out. Imagine your entire forehead and scalp becoming smooth and at rest. Now frown and notice the strain spreading throughout your forehead…Pause…Let go. Allow your brow to become smooth again. Squeeze your eyes closed…tighter…Relax your eyes. Let them remain closed gently and comfortably. Now open your mouth wide and feel the tension in your jaw…Pause…Relax your jaw. Notice the contrast between tension and relaxation. Now press your tongue against the roof of your mouth. Experience the ache in the back of your mouth…Relax. Press your lips now, press then into an “O”…Pause…relax your lips. Feel the relaxation in your forehead, scalp, eyes, jaw, tongue, and lips.
Notice the tension in your neck. Roll your head slowly around on your neck, feeling the tension shifting as your head moves…and then slowly roll your head the other way. Relax, allowing your head to return to a comfortable position…Notice the tension in your shoulders. Now shrug your shoulders; bring your shoulders up towards your ears…hold it…Drop your shoulders back down and feel the relaxation spreading through your neck, throat, and shoulders…pure relaxation, deeper and deeper…
Notice the tension in your chest. Now breathe in and fill your lungs completely. Hold your breath. Experience the tension…Now exhale and let your chest become loose…Continue relaxing letting your breathe come freely and gently…Notice the tension draining out of your muscles with each exhalation…Next tighten your stomach and hold. Feel the tension …Relax…Now place your hand on your stomach. Breath deeply into your stomach, pushing your hand up. Hold…and relax. Feel the contrast of relaxation as the air rushes out… Notice the tension in your back. Now arch your back, without straining. Keep the rest of your body as relaxed as possible. Focus on the tension in your lower back…Now relax…Let the tension dissolve away.
Notice the tension in your buttocks and thighs. Tighten your buttocks and thighs…Pause…Relax and feel the difference…Notice the tension in your legs. Now straighten and tense your legs and curl your toes downward. Experience the tension…Relax…Straighten and tense your legs and bend your toes toward your face…Pause…Relax
Feel the comfortable warmth and heaviness of deep relaxation throughout your entire body as you continue to breathe slowly and deeply…You can relax even more as you move up through your body, letting go of the last little bit of tension in your body. Relax your feet…Pause…relax your ankles…Pause…relax your calves…Pause…relax your shins…Pause…relax your knees…Pause…relax your thighs…Pause…relax your buttocks…Let the relaxation spread to your stomach…Pause…to your lower back…to your chest…Let go more and more. Feel the relaxation deepening in your shoulders…Pause…in your arms…Pause…and in your hands…Deeper and deeper. Notice the feeling of looseness and relaxation in your neck…Pause…your jaw…Pause…your face…Pause…and your scalp…Continue to breathe slowly and deeply. Your body is comfortably loose and relaxed, calm and rested.
Davis, M., Robbins Eshelman, E., & McKay, M. (2000). The Relaxation and Stress Reduction Workbook 5th Edition. Oakland, CA: New Harbinger Publications, Inc.
Process Questions:
